a rant about gender

it's important to ask someone what being nonbinary means to them since it can mean all kinds of things to different people. to me it means that i am not a man or a woman. somewhere in between? nothing at all? it doesn't really matter to me. i just know i'm not either of those. not only does referring to me as a girl feel uncomfortable, it just feels wrong. it feels like i'm lying. i feel like an imposter. it's also just really silly. like calling a dog a cat when it's very obviously a dog. i've completely erased the concept of gender in my mind. i simply do not care. i know that i like hearing certain words more than others, but overall i'm just me. i don't want to give off overtly male or female vibes. why do i need to be one:( why not all? or none! i want to give off the most neutral vibes as possible. i want people to see me and be like oh it's alexi! just alexi the way they are no boy no girl just alexi. i always felt uncomfortable with the word lesbian. i've personally never identified as one, it's just what other people have referred to me as because yes, technically, i suppose? but not really? i thought it was an internalized homophobia thing, but i've come to the conclusion that it's not. i know that there are nonbinary lesbians. some nonbinary people really vibe with that label and that's totally cool and i 100% respect that, but to me, identifying myself that way feels like a lie again. wlw...but. i am not a woman. sigh... some days it bothers me more than others. sometimes my thighs seem too feminine because they're so thick. i generally prefer baggier clothes because of it. i don't usually have a problem with my chest, but sometimes i'm like "damn, is all that necessary?" and i wish i could go a day or two without them. sometimes hearing "she" and "her" make me cringe. but it's what i've heard my whole life, so i generally find some comfort in it. other times it just feels kind of silly. some gendered words i feel totally okay with, and others are completely off limits. wife? go right ahead. sir? ma'am? both are totally acceptable! king? sure, why not? queen? lady? absolutely not. i don't expect everyone to memorize what words i'm okay with and which ones i'm not, because not only would the list be long, but i could totally change my mind. it's alright to ask if a word is okay to use if you're not sure. i won't be offended or anything. i'm just a silly kid. i think nonbinary people are epic. i would also die for all she/they and he/theys. use their they/them pronouns! they are there for a reason! don't just use the pronouns that are most comfortable for you to use. if there's one thing i've learned from accepting my gender is that so many things don't matter in the grand scheme of things, which sounds really morbid and pessimistic, but i mean it in the sense that if you like hearing certain words more than others, if some are completely unbearable to you, we are tiny little beings living on a small floating rock in space and you should get to hear the words you wanna hear! you deserve to be you for the time that you're here! you deserve to be comfortable and happy.