journal entries

08.14.2021
last i wrote i talked about being sober so i guess i will update on that situation. i didn't make it the full 30 days. i got to 26 (so close...) and then i visited family and drank with them. since then i haven't felt out of control regarding my alcohol consumption and i've been drinking a lot less overall, so mission accomplished. i moved into my apartment three weeks ago and have spent much of that time alone. the past week has been very difficult as something absolutely devastating happened when i invited a stranger over. it was horrifically traumatizing. i won't go into any more detail, but i've been trying my best to heal. i don't feel like myself. i'm very foggy and nothing feels real. i've barely slept since and my body is very exhausted phsyically, mentally, emotionally... but i'm hopeful things will get better soon. my friends have been very understanding and helpful and for that i am extremely grateful. on a somewhat lighter note, i've managed to finish my adhd testing all while this was happening. it was a grueling process that hopefully ends with me getting some answers. overall, i'm doing okay. hanging in there the best i can.


07.19.2021
want my website to sound like this song




07.02.2021
oh my goodness it's been quite a while (whoops). some big updates to share: 1) i haven't had a drink in almost 3 weeks and 2) i'm moving into my apartment this month!! i'm a bit anxious for the 4th of july since my family will most definitely be drinking. my goal is 30 days without drinking and the 4th will only be 20 days. i'm hoping to be able to distract myself all day. i'll update if i reach my goal, if not, i'm proud of making it as far as i have. the last time i went this long without a drink was over 9 months ago, so this is a big accomplishment and i don't want to be too hard on myself if i mess up. as far as apartment things go, i'm very excited!! this is my first apartment eeeee it's also the first time i'll have my own room...ever. i bought some mushroom string lights today to hang in there :D i'm thinking the vibe for the room will be mushroom den, what do we think? i REALLY want to have a ton of yellow in there which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. i'm SO ready to move out. my roommates and i have a bunch of exciting plans and apartment shopping is gonna ROCK. anyways, that's all for now. i hope y'all are doing well *big teethy grin*


04.16.2021
you're telling me i haven't written an entry in over a month...damb. anyway this is going to be a silly rant. i am here because i am NOT good at being bored. in fact, i am actively bad at being bored. i realize that both of those are strange sentences but hear me out. i am so bored im gonna be SICK i'm quite literally going to be sick. college has been. a time. i've been spending much of the last two weeks alone and normally being alone is just fine for me but it's been so unbearable recently! i have a tendency to feel really restless and understimulated like if i don't run across the room and scream RIght now my skin is going to fall off except i live in a dorm so that's not exactly possible and this is where the problems lies...i know i need things to fill my time so i don't get bored but my exectutive functioning skills are STUPID and even when the idea of something sounds ok (most things don't) i am phsyically unable to start them. FOR EXAMPLE. i love the goldfinch i have whole page dedicated to my thoughts about it (haha click here to see it) i've seen the movie a million times and i REALLY want to finish the book but i can't pick it up for the life of me and when i do it takes me a solid 30 minutes to get through 2 pages because reading is Hard. it's so hard! and by that point i just feel really frustrated. it's really easy for me to feel unfulfilled in life and i've been feeling that a lot at university. fortunately, i have plans for tomorrow. i just have to make it through several more insufferable hours of alone time before that URGH


03.15.2021
trip home went very well! i saw so many puppies :) speaking of puppies i added one to my dog page (you can find it by going to my flower box page and clicking on the sun). i also added some more memes. my roommate and i made empanadas at my house, it was super fun. we also got to see some of my friends. we went to this store that sells a bunch of vinyls, comic booksm, video games, etc. i got back to black on vinyl (FINALLY) and some stickers!!!!! i got to fill in the weird empty space on my laptop and i'm Quite pleased with how it looks. they had trench on vinyl too but it was really expensive sigh... maybe i will get it next time. the stimulus checks are coming soon and i'm included this time so i think i will get a new tattoo with some of the money and save the rest for food and whatnot. thinkin of getting a mushroom.



03.03.2021
IT'S MARCH WHADDAHELL. i'm probably most likely hopefully fingies crossed going home next weekend for my dad's birthday and also to see my friend's new puppies and also because my roommate and i are bored as hell at school so yeehaw! exciting stuff i get to see my puppie too *cries* she's been really sad lately because my brother and i are away at college I MISS HER SO MUCH. anyway i turn 20 in like 49 days omg also i'm gonna apply for this epic part-time job when i go back home hopefully i get it so i can get some work experience under my belt because i literally have NOTHING going for me at this point (career-wise) i gotta start driving too bitches be having their drivers permit for 4 years and i'm bitches SIGH i've driven a car one (1) time. i'm not even embarassed about it i just don't want to do it. ok will wrap this up now because i've been procrastinating an assignment for hours and i got Nauseous thinking about it because i couldn't start for the life of me AHHHHHH


02.24.2021
okay i lied i didn't make a rant about being neurodivergent (yet) but i did start a page for my favorite dog breeds (here) and i just finished the spranos so i started a page where i will rant about it (here). hint: i am devastated. other than that i am doing well. my therapist broke up with me a couple weeks ago so i'm seeing my old therapist on friday. i liked him a lot better anyway. will continue to update whenever i feel like it. alright that's all byebye.


02.11.2021
eventually i'd like to split my journal into months but i have so few right now that i can't justify making a whole nother page for more...mayhaps i'll do like january-march or something like that. i have a bit of free time now n i'm feeling motivated to update so i think i'll make a little neurodivergency rant since it's been on my mind lately lol. if it's not linked here yet then it's not ready, but if it is then go check it out i suppose. i've been really busy with school n dealing with weird dysphoria things lately (grrr). oh you know what else i wanna do. i'm almost done watching the sopranos and i fell down a massive james gandolfini hole the other day so i might make a page about that too. omg. i've been drawing a lot more too which is really exciting. it makes me happy to make cool things :D


01.30.2021
i made it to campus! it's been good so far. yesterday i got coffee with a friend and we danced around in her dorm. after an hour of that i suddenly remembered that i take meds and that i hadn't taken them yet so i ran back to my room (lol). i called my friends from home for a while and ended up drawing, which i don't usually do. i'll have to make a spot on here to post the things i make in my journal. i kept getting spooked because i'm in my suite alone and i kept thinking the door was gonna open, but my friends made me feel safe. i was able to get a good amount of sleep here (my bed is very cozy :D), which i was pleasantly surprised by as i haven't been able to fall asleep easily without the use of alcohol recently. i accomplished the goals i had in mind for today already (shower and get dressed) so i'm feeling good about that. some more good news: my roommate arrives today! we don't have anything planned but i'm excited to see them :>


01.25.2021
i feel really happy recently, so i'm not sure why i keep drinking. i've gotten drunk the past 5 days and it's fun but also really tiring. i'm drunk right now (sigh) so i hope this makes sense. i can't get out of bed before 2pm for the life of me even though i've been waking up earlier. i feel different about starting the semester this time. i've always been really excited to go back to school, but this time i'm scared of being depressed again. i'm glad my access to alcohol will be limited, though. i'm taking classes i really like this semester because i finished all my gen eds! i'm taking intermediate portuguese, intro to brazilian culture, politics in film, interpersonal communication, and intro to sociology. for anyone who doesn't know, i'm majoring in communications and double minoring in portuguese and film. i have one portuguese class left after this semester! i'm a little sad about it, but also really proud. i'm hoping to become a portuguese tutor this semester :) i'm excited to be back on campus, but as an autistic person, change is really scary. even though i've experienced what it's like to be on campus during a pandemic, it's still really scary to switch from vacation mode to school mode. i hope the transition will be easier this time. that's all i have for now. i wish everyone in college a good semester. you guys will rock it i'm sure of it.


01.20.2021
it's been a little bit since i updated...oops. i ran out of ideas for a second, but i've got a couple new ones. being neurodivergent is wacky in that i have the ability to be super invested in someting for a little while and then completely forget about it in a week or two (sigh). my hobbies are the one thing that make me feel like a person? so without them i feel really lost. the in-betwee-hobbies period is really frustrating. i'm constantly looking for things to stimulate my brain and when i can't find that it's really terrible lol. anyways... i'm going back to college in a week and a half and i'm really looking forward to it. i've really been getting on my mom's nerves lately. i spent a weekend with my best friends last week and it felt nice to get away for a second. if you want to see what we were up to you can visit my pal rivers' page where he documented everything we did. i miss them dearly and i hope i get to see them again soon.


01.07.2021
hello epic sexies! i haven't worked on my website in a couple days because i tired myself out the first couple days working 13+ hours a day (urghhh hyperfixations) but i have some ideas that i'm really excited to get working on (including a yellow page which i'm super super passionate about!). i've been struggling a lot with alcohol recently, but i've been doing really well mood wise since upping my antidepressant dosage, so i don't feel hopeless like i would have a couple months ago. it's more something that i know i can conquer and i don't blame myself for slipping up on (which is immense progress and something i'm really proud of!). if anyone reading this is dealing with the same thing, you will get though this! i believe in you and we are in this together! anyway it's 4am and i'm losing my mind thinking about all the things i want to do with this website. i'm so happy to have something productive to invest my time in, i haven't had something like this in a while:)


01.02.2021
oh boy! my first entry! i've never been super great at keeping a diary outside of my daylio app, but i will try to update this as often as possible :D i created yellow frog last night and i've made a lot of progress already! i love how my studio ghibli page turned out, it's my favorite so far. i'm currently working out my goldfinch page, but i have so many feelings i'm having trouble putting them into words...sigh..i was really against making a website at first, but after some convincing from my friends who have websites of their own, i caved in and decided i woud try it out and i'm really enjoying it. i'm excited to have something to do for the next couple weeks before heading back to college. i had a really rough time last semester, but after being home and spending time calling my friends and focusing more on myself and healing, i feel more confident in this upcoming semester. anyways, i look forward to updating this site and turning it into something i'm proud of!